Order by Midnight tonight...

Updated: Oct 18, 2018

Most people who watch television on weekend mornings like to watch the news or some type of current affairs programs. As much as I enjoy Chris St. Clair at The Weather Network, my real passion for this special time frame is infomercials.

My PVR menu is divided into several categories such as networks, specialty channels, movies, news and the ever important… infomercials. Please note, however, that I do not watch these riveting shows aimlessly. Absolutely not, I actually purchase life-altering products from them.

When I say products, I do not mean useless junk. In fact, I have purchased some amazing merchandise, which I still have today. It all started with Ron Popeil of Ronco products, the granddaddy of direct-response companies who had unbelievable products, all of which were so necessary. Well, maybe not the Chia pet, but the Capodimonte cardinal, sitting on a perch is a show piece in my house… well it was for an hour or so (now it is strategically located in a box in the basement).

I do make a point to stay away from cosmetics and exercise products, even though I am the owner of the original Ab Roller (sits on the shelf next to the cardinal). Those products require way too much work. Instead, I concentrate on products that make my life simpler.

How many people do you know who own the three-record set of K-tel’s “Greatest Hits of the 60’s”collection or the complete “Old Time Country Music” mix on four Compact Discs. You can now add me to your list.

Honesty speaking though, I must admit a few products were not quite as I expected. The two granite slabs that keep your food hot for a long time only lasted a few months, and the original heat-resistant oven mitts caught fire when I first used them.

In an effort to seek out the beginnings of my addiction I reminisced about Jack LaLanne and his exercise show. I was not a big fan of the program, but when I saw Jack years later, pushing the space-age power juicer, I just knew I had to have one. Now of course, I am on my second Magic Bullet, which I will gladly admit is used every morning to make my smoothies.

Infomercials have immensely educated me through their resourceful ingenuity. I wouldn’t own a Swiffer if I had not seen it on a Saturday morning, and how would I stay warm on winter evenings without my Snuggie wrapped around me. I debated, but never gave into the desirable haircutting vacuum cleaner-like gizmo, mainly because the thought of it scared me.

You can imagine how devastated I was when Billy Mays passed away. A true pioneer on the infomercial front, Billy was solely responsible for me and half the world owning Oxi-Clean. Let us not forget to mention George Foreman and his world-famous grill. George, one of the greatest pugilists of all time, who has had a most unfortunate personal life, will always be remembered for his celebrated grill. If there was an Oscar category for infomercials George would be a shoe-in.

Many products have become a way of life with me, such as my Sham-Wow, used every time I wash my car, and of course the hearing thing that amplifies a whisper at 2,000 metres. On a serious note, there is one product that I cannot do without, and that is my Flavorwave oven.

This product sits on my counter (and has since I bought it three years ago) and has replaced my toaster oven and in many cases, the two ovens in our kitchen. It uses a halogen lamp and a heat element with a turning gale-force wind that cooks foods, directly from frozen, in record time. Best of all, it really works. I have even cooked a chicken in it, and it tastes better than any other method of culinary heating device.

My latest purchase was a set of silicone food-wrap sealing things. I am sad to say, they must be returned as they do not work, but alas, not everything you see on TV is great. Thank goodness we have the Internet to fill the gaps.

I am quite excited, as my next delivery should arrive tomorrow; the new and improved official Schticky, which “cleans my home in a quickie.” Are you wondering why I am so excited? I ordered before midnight and will receive a second for free. All I had to pay was the shipping and handling.

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